ROBINSON: Good parenting takes teamwork

By Mary Robinson
Published: September 2, 2008

My husband was enthusiastic about his new business. A true rugged individualist, he started it with a wing and a prayer, long hours and a lot of hard work. A few years later, we had a baby.

My parents divorced when I was 7. I wanted my kids to have an involved dad. I’ve since learned how important it is to be married to a team player.

Staying home with children was, by far, the most challenging and most rewarding job I’ve ever had. Long days and constant meal preparation paled, thank God, to the funny and amazing things I enjoyed seeing my boys do, say and learn. Life really is an awesome experience when seen through the eyes of children. My mommy days were long and often exhausting. Daddy’s days were long and tiring, too. Living in the country had it’s rewards, but available baby sitters were not one of them. Both mom and dad needed some time off from work.

I made it a point to have our baby smelling good and looking irresistible when his dad came home from work. I’d cuddle and coo to that sweet child until dad insisted on having his turn with him. My break had arrived! And so had dad’s. Both boys happily played on the sofa together. Sometimes they’d both catch a catnap watching TV while I took a walk outside. Baby didn’t miss or need me as long as I stayed out of sight.

Not everybody feels comfortable holding and caring for a baby. Some dads might need a little encouragement to participate. His involvement is essential for all concerned.

We mommies have to be careful. Sometimes we want to be SUPER MOMS. A Super Mom wants to prove that she can do it all and it all must be done her way. This attitude can discourage dad’s participation and eventually hurt the whole family. Work hard to keep the family playing like a team.

It’s healthy and rewarding when the family works and plays together. Sometimes dads can be reluctant to include the kids. “They’re too little. Kids don’t play golf. They won’t last nine holes. They’ll get bored and tired. Don’t worry, I’ll teach them when they get older.” This attitude might be found anywhere. We had just such a situation at my house.

There were a few loud discussions concerning golfing with the family. We talked, we yelled, we agreed, we disagreed, and sometimes we slept alone; and then we made a deal. “We’ll test dad’s hypothesis.”

The boys loved being with mom and dad. They’d swing their sawed-off yard-sale golf clubs until they ran out of balls. They loved eating ’nilla cookies and sucking down soft drinks. When they got tired, they’d hitch a ride on mom’s or dad’s pull cart. Dad had been wrong about children and golf, yet nobody was happier than he was.

I work with children who have trouble learning. I get to know their moms and dads. It’s troubling how often dads are not involved. I’ve had more than one mom tell me that she’s “married but is a single parent.” How sad is that for her and the children? It’s even a bigger tragedy for dad.

This situation begs the question, “Hey, moms, aren’t we smarter than that? I mean, how did we win our husband’s attention, affection and faith initially? I don’t know about you, but I didn’t lose my IQ or my sex appeal after I said, ‘I do.’ Did you?”

Left to their own devices, some people might choose to be too busy, too tired, too preoccupied or too scared to become an involved parent. That’s when being a good partner kicks in. Each partner’s job is to encourage their other half to do and be the best they can.

My mother-in-law actually said to me, and I quote, “You wouldn’t let him be anything but,” when I told her what a wonderful father her son was. Her comment rather stunned me but, in time, became food for much thought. It was true. Part of every mommy’s job is to encourage daddy to be the best he can be. Of course, it goes both ways. That’s why it’s called teamwork.

“Your son was disrespectful to me and you just sat there and said nothing!” I wailed.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” dad answered.

“Exactly! You better darn well pay better attention,” I said.

“Thanks for the shoes,” my son said as we drove home from the mall.

“Be sure to tell your dad thanks when we get home,” I reminded him.

Life doesn’t get easier as the children grow. Their problems and expenses grow with them. It’s good to have an active team player by your side.

My cousin always took his daughter clothes shopping. They’d buy good stuff and have fun doing it. Mom and daughter didn’t enjoy shopping together so mom happily deferred to her team player.

My son never wanted me to help him with his English papers. He and his dad enjoyed working together. Go team!

I could tell the boys to clean their rooms over and over again, yet when their dad walked by, looked into the little piglet’s sty and said in his no nonsense voice, “Clean this room right now,” it got done. I love a team player.

Divorced moms and dads can still choose to be team players.

First, become big enough to realize that it’s not about you anymore.

It’s all about the children.

Next, make all decisions based on what is best for the children.

Ironically, those decisions will be best for you, too.

Team play can become a contagious attitude. Decide that you will set the example. God speed.

Mary Robinson, M.Ed., is the director and principal tutor at the Tutorial Center of Waynesboro and Augusta County (http://www.tutorialcenteraugusta.com). For more information, contact Robinson at 649-1130.