WALDROP: Acceptance doesn’t mean the grieving is over

Rev. Russell G. Waldrop, D. Min., LPC, is a pastoral counselor and is chaplain of Western State Hospital. Contact him at 540-332-8004 or at .
Published: November 20, 2008

We conclude today our spiritual study of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief.” It’s been a lengthy series, hasn’t it? You may have wondered “Will he ever finish this grief stuff?” If so, your weariness of the subject parallels how the grief process works in our lives. What grieving person has never asked, “When will all this grief end?”
Some people expect the acceptance stage to make all grieving stop. It doesn’t. Why not? Because these five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are brackets around the core experiences of loss and grief, not a final curtain that falls from the ceiling signifying their end; and, thankfully so. Why thankfully so? Good question.
Many people ebb and flow within these five stages during the rest of their lives; some before coming to “acceptance,” others during or even after that allegedly “last” stage. Nothing proves this more than anniversaries of the original loss. Think about it: you glance at the calendar one morning and there it is, or soon will be: it is the same season of the year when you moved to another state; or, the same month when your divorce became final; or, the same week of your job loss. Very often, the realization that the birthday of someone who has died is fast approaching brings the return of memories and emotions with much of the intensity they held originally. The first (or even 20th) anniversary can be a re-enactment of the loss itself, possibly a smaller version, but just as real. 
Then, hopefully, you make contact with friends and relatives who also have that date (or one like it) marked on their calendar, too. Through conversations, meals, even overnight visits, the anniversary, sad as it is, becomes an opportunity for healing, insight, thanksgiving and celebration. Memorial services can meet this need, even many years later.
Gradually, the painful grieving moves toward the edges of your life; it no longer demands center stage, at least not all the time. If there is any meaning to the word “closure” (and some doubt it), it is likely in this “ebbing and flowing” that dissolves and integrates a “mountain” of grief into the totality of one’s life. Thus, when we re-experience features of previous grief stages thought to have been “resolved” long ago, we need not overly doubt ourselves. Some mountains are harder to dissolve and integrate than others; “sore spots” will probably continue to exist within our sense of blessing from having experienced, however briefly, who or what we have lost.
What helps us spiritually to integrate our losses into the larger fabric of our personality? The Bible tells us “Bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2); and “Weep with those who weep and laugh with those who laugh” (Rom. 12:15). Such a community of faith can provide opportunities to experience Jesus’ teaching: “Blessed are those who grieve for they shall be comforted” (Matt. 5:4).
Formal education is important, too. The Apostle Paul taught: “We do not want you to be ignorant, brothers and sisters, about those who have died; otherwise, you would grieve over them as do people who have no hope” (1Thess. 4:13). “Information giving” about the grief process may include group, individual, marital or family counseling sessions or seminars by professional counselors.
Worship services that include, at least occasionally, attention to the losses and benefits involved in “leaving everything to follow Jesus” (Matt. 19:27-29) can remove some of our ignorance about grief and replace it with informed and prepared faith and discipleship. These can help us grieve our losses more effectively.