WALDROP: Acceptance—is it all its made out to be?

Rev. Russell G. Waldrop, D. Min., LPC, is a pastoral counselor and is chaplain of Western State Hospital. Contact him at 540-332-8004 or at .
Published: November 6, 2008

“Acceptance” is the last of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ “Five States of Grief.” It is different in one way from all previous stages (denial, anger, bargaining and depression). While we have said that each one doesn’t deserve its own bad reputation, we must say now of this last stage that: Acceptance does not deserve its magical reputation.
Not to downplay its importance, of course. It is just that acceptance comes with such high expectations that it can create its own set of disappointments and grief.
“Magical” acceptance would have us believe that completion of the previous four stages brings us to the door of a place called “Acceptance Land,” where there is no more grief, no more tears, no more unexpected bursts of memory that come from finding an old picture, a piece of clothing, or seeing someone who reminds us of the person we have lost. Alas, as real and necessary as it is to accept our losses, acceptance is not Heaven. It remains a very positive experience that has special meaning in faith and discipleship, yet on this earth.
Several principles accompany the acceptance stage of grief. First, what looks like acceptance may be the clever disguise of a previous stage, especially denial. We see it in the grieving widower who returns to work too soon, plays golf with his buddies too often, and tells too many jokes. Or, in the new widow who, likewise, gives away her husband’s clothes, sells his car, or even starts dating, all too soon. This is denial wearing the mask of acceptance.
A Biblical example of “premature acceptance” is King David after the illness and death of his infant son (2 Sam. 12:9-25), the one conceived from his affair with Bathsheba (2Sam. 11:1-26). During the illness, David prayed for his son’s recovery, but ate and slept erratically and ignored his counselors’ advice. When his son died, David “got up, bathed, combed his hair, dressed, went to worship, then returned home and ate a full meal.”
When his counselors questioned his allegedly “accepting” behavior, David replied: “While he was still alive, I went without food and cried because there was still hope. I said to myself, ‘Who knows? Maybe the Lord will have pity on me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go without eating? I can’t bring him back! Someday I will join him in death, but he can’t return to me.” Immediately, he and Bathsheba planned and conceived another son: King Solomon (2Sam. 12:22-25).
On first reading, this may sound like a practical response to loss: “Getting on with life as soon as possible,” goes some counsel today. But wait. David was already rejecting his counselors’ advice before his son died, so much so that they failed to notify him when he did die. They feared his response. They delayed so long that David suspected the worst and asked them for information (2Sam. 12:18-19). Reluctantly, they told him.
David’s premature acceptance may have stemmed from his guilt feelings over his affair with Bathsheba that produced this child and from his having murdered Bathsheba’s husband when she told David of her pregnancy (2Sam. 11:5-27). Moreover, the whole sordid affair was exposed to the public by Nathan, the nation’s prophet (2Sam 12:1-15). The guilt, and anger over its public exposure, must have weighed so heavily upon him that he wanted to “get over it” without “getting through it,” quite the opposite of the acceptance stage of grief.
(Continued next week)