WALDROP: Acceptance needed throughout the grief process

Rev. Russell G. Waldrop, D. Min., LPC, is a pastoral counselor and is chaplain of Western State Hospital. Contact him at 332-8004 or at .
Published: November 13, 2008

We are approaching the end of our spiritual study of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief.” To appreciate the final stage, we have been trimming the edges off of the myths and expectations of acceptance that can create additional burdens of grief. Like products on the retail market, there has been false advertising about this stage. Acceptance is not a panacea that eliminates all sadness and tears, but it can turn them into memorials and rites of passage, if not also altars. Nor is acceptance something that happens at the end to make everything about the past, present, and future “Ok.”
The truth is that some measure of acceptance must, and can, occur from the beginning of one’s loss and continue all the way through the grieving process. If it is absent during the first four stages, why and how would it suddenly appear at the end? How dreadful those four stages would be and how unlikely the last! Fortunately, acceptance can be found all along the journey. Following are examples.
We have seen previously that “denial” is a God-given cushion (and psychological defense mechanism) that protects us from experiencing too much reality too soon. Denial is what gets people to the hospital safely (“This can’t be happening”) so they can fall apart there in the company of others instead of on the way, and perhaps driving alone. With the warmth of family, friends and an occasional counselor, a grieving person in denial can thaw out to face the present hard reality and that ahead. Paradoxically, acceptance of one’s denial can lead the way out.
In the anger stage of grief, friends, family and counselors practice acceptance but also hold accountable the one whose outbursts and behavior can be volatile, even dangerous. “Emotional triage” must sometimes be offered to those affected. Yet, the kind of emotional withdrawal that endangers the grieving person must also be considered. Acceptance and accountability go hand in hand in this stage.
In the bargaining stage of grief, acceptance and understanding meet the unrealistic and immature vows and promises made to God or others on behalf of one’s self or loved ones. This is real prayer, though it needs to be broadened and strengthened within a community of faith. People who bargain with God from desperation should not be held to those bargains any more than parents hold their children responsible for the immature promises of childhood.
People in the depression stage of grief also need acceptance, both the kind that respects their emotional distance and the kind that knows when to offer emotional encouragement and challenge. It is a time of “preparing to prepare”; that is, mobilizing one’s resources and self-confidence to engage in the tasks that need to be done, even though one is unaware of it. For many people, this is a time of unconscious prayer. God knows what we would say if we could and responds accordingly (Rom. 8:26-27).
So, acceptance is a feature of the grief process that can and should be happening throughout the first four stages rather than saved up for the end when it might well be unlikely.
There is another myth that needs attention regarding the grieving process. The very concept of “stages of grief” may imply that they occur sequentially, like the days of the week. In that kind of order, we can’t go back to Tuesday from Friday because we have to go forward through the week-end and Monday first. It is not so in the grief process. Some people seem to jump forward and backward along the way.
(Continued next week)