WALDROP: Spiritual perspectives on angry grief

Rev. Russell G. Waldrop, D. Min., LPC, is a pastoral counselor and is chaplain of Western State Hospital. Call him at 332-8004 or email him at .
Published: September 19, 2008

The second stage of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief” is anger. It follows the previous stage of “denial,” the cushion-like “defense mechanism” that protects us from overwhelming trauma until we are able to deal with it. During denial our conscious and unconscious resources are mobilizing in preparation for the grieving ahead; otherwise, we might not be able to function or might even become psychotic. 
Denial is intended to thaw like an ice cube in a warm environment (not broken up with a hammer). Even so, it is far removed from that often overrated stage called “acceptance.” Sometimes, the liquid emotion from thawed out denial is boiling hot; seen in “angry tears” and behavior.
Think about it. After denial has protected us from unbearable reality, it steps back so that we can see the reality more clearly. The crisis probably hasn’t changed, but anger emerges to help us face it. It reminds us, and informs others, that we are stronger now because our denial did its job and then turned reality over to us.
This can be a dangerous stage if we are too angry to grieve well; for example, if our sense of unfairness leads us to retaliation. When denial is removed too soon, the exposed anger can be raw, spontaneous, and, frankly, murderous. It might be better for a grieving person to remain “in denial” for a while longer rather than unleash pent up anger irresponsibly; such as “going off” on someone who allegedly “caused” the grief.
Where do we see this “angry grief” in the Bible and what does it say about our own faith and discipleship when we experience it? Examples would include Simon Peter who, furious at the arrest and imminent death of Jesus, tried to kill someone supporting it (John 18:10); King Herod who, feeling his kingdom threatened, killed all the babies who might grow up and seize it (Matt. 2: 1-16); and Herodias who, feeling humiliated by the exposure of her adulterous affair, arranged the death of the one who exposed her: John the Baptist (Matt. 14:1-12).
There is also danger when such anger is held in and nursed; or carried as a chip on one’s shoulder, as if “not grieving” is the answer. In the Old Testament, Rachael’s loud and bitter grieving would not stop because “she refused to be comforted” over the loss of her son and grandchildren in the Babylonian Exile (Matt. 2:18; Jer. 31:15).
Some people today choose to live under a blanket of grief. Neither suicidal nor homicidal, they remain withdrawn, angry, isolated and unhappy. Like Rachel, they risk losing the comfort of God: “Stop your crying and wipe away your tears. All that you have done for your children will not go unrewarded; they will return from the enemy’s land. There is hope for your future. Your children will come back home. I, the Lord, have spoken” (Jer. 31:16-17). This grief is spiritually deadly to oneself.
Angry grief abounds in numerous Psalms that illustrate possible parallels in our faith and discipleship today. In these “imprecatory Psalms,” God is called upon to defeat, maim or kill one’s enemies; even their innocent children (See Psalms 35, 40, 52, 58, 69, 83, 109, 139, and 143). Reading them, alone or in a grief support group, can restore hope. Better to “take it out on God,” who understands, rather than on those who don’t. “Praying the Psalms,” especially these angry ones, can help us find our emotions expressed in the Bible, without our acting them out.
(Next week: Stage three: “Bargaining”)