WALDROP: The real bargain in ‘bargaining with God’

Rev. Russell G. Waldrop, D. Min., LPC, is a pastoral counselor and is chaplain of Western State Hospital. Contact him at 332-8004 or at .
Published: September 25, 2008

The third stage of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief” is bargaining.
Like other stages, it has developed such a bad reputation that many people will not discuss, or even admit, that they are “bargaining with God.” Unfortunately, well-meaning friends and family may diagnosis and criticize someone in this stage instead of understanding and supporting them through it.
So, let’s recognize that the bargaining stage of grief is a valid place to be for some period of time; that is, many grieving people have a legitimate need to formulate and offer bargains, and await the results. A less compassionate response could drive them back to the previous stages of anger or denial.
Let’s be honest shall we? If we could prevent our own suffering, or that of someone we love, by making the right bargain with God, we would do so, wouldn’t we? Of course, we would. That’s the point. Bargaining makes sense! It must be worth a try.
Yet, bargaining brings numerous problems. People who initiate bargains with God may already be in an irrational state of mind and their bargains may be impractical or impossible. Yes, many people might promise to quit their job and become a missionary to Outer Mongolia if that would save a loved one’s life or stop their pain. But studies have shown (and studies have been done on this) that if the bargained-for-miracle happens, the responsibilities of the original bargain are often forgotten or do not last long. Then, guilt over backing out of a bargain with God brings on another round of grief.
Conversely, if the miracle does not happen, disappointment, embarrassment and anger can complicate the already difficult grieving process. Whether the bargain brings the desired results or not, bargainers often come to the point where they want out of the bargain, especially those made to God.
Three questions are relevant for us as we grieve our own losses in faith and discipleship: 1) How do we get out of any regrettable bargains we have offered to God, 2) Are there any bargains that God might accept and, 3) What Biblical figures in grief made bargains with God?
First, it can be helpful to review our bargains with God, including the details and our responsibilities and expectations. Especially helpful can be a sense of humor, asking ourselves, “Did I really promise God that I would do that?” and “Were my expectations of God, myself and others realistic?”
We might also remember the many bargains parents hear from their children: “If I can skip school today, I promise to go tomorrow”; or, “If we get a dog, I’ll feed it and bathe it every day.” Parents still love their children when they refuse such bargains. Is our Heavenly Father any less loving with us and our bargaining?
If a supportive friend or counselor could help us untangle our emotional expectations from the bargain, we might understand that normal human desperation drove us there. Often, bargaining is an attempt to grasp for straws and God can easily become the biggest and closest straw around at the time of a significant loss.
Since bargaining is an attempt to bring God closer to us, (manipulative, though it often is), it is still a valid prayer. But we might want to add the words of that desperate father who brought his critically ill son to Jesus: “Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief”; that is, the immature, grasping, desperate, bargaining part of our otherwise genuine faith (Mark 9:24). Jesus answered his prayer directly. Would he do less for us?
(Next week: Biblical Bargainers)