Guiding grief

Sage Merritt / News Virginian
Published: January 27, 2008

"No one talks about children in grief," Lasher said. "No one wants to think about children who are grieving, children in pain. It's something no one talks about. So many people ignore it, and grief is very much part of life."

So when Lasher wrote a book, "Death Is No Stranger - Helping Children Grieve," she felt that it was an important contribution to a field of study - dealing with grief - that, according to Lasher, has published few resources specifically for children during times of loss.

"I decided it was time to make myself sit down at the computer and write this book," Lasher said. "With the intention that this was going to be my gift to the community. It's not a book I've written to make money on. It's from a small publishing house. I got $300 for writing the book, which I've already donated to the local hospice house. The book is not about money. It's my gift to the community, to help adults learn ways to help children who are grieving."

When Lasher earned her Doctorate of Ministry from Lutheran Theological Seminary, she wrote her dissertation on helping bereaved children. Lasher is now a grief support specialist and program coordinator for Shenandoah Valley Grief Services, part of the Lutheran Family Services of Virginia, and the co-pastor for Grief Ministry at Christ Lutheran Church in Staunton. In these roles, Lasher facilitates support groups, conducts workshops and maintains a grief resources library at the Shenandoah Valley Grief Services program office in Waynesboro.

As a grief support specialist, Lasher has seen children deal with many forms of loss, from death to divorce, and feels that young people are often unprepared for the challenges posed by life's most difficult times.

"One of the things that I've learned as a parish pastor is that we don't talk to children about death," Lasher said. "Some people even say, 'Should I take my child to a funeral-' People ignore children's feelings, thinking, 'Let's just shield them from it.' "

The content of "Death Is No Stranger" reflects Lasher's belief that it is important to educate children about death and loss before it happens, because death is something that everyone, even young people, will have to cope with at some point in their lives. The book isn't just for parents - anyone in the community who may be involved with children, including neighbors, teachers or family friends, may be faced with the challenge of being a guide for a child who is grieving.

"The book is written for everyone who interacts with children," Lasher said. "It takes a whole community to help raise a child. - It might be the neighbor next door who plays with Johnny, or a Sunday-school teacher, or a teacher at school, or a little old man down the street. Everyone in the community has the opportunity to help children grow and to have healthy grief. So the book is set up to say, it's the responsibility of everyone in the community to help children, not just Mom and Dad."

"Death Is No Stranger" includes anecdotes about children who have dealt with death and loss, and the different ways that young people express their grief, including physical, emotional and cognitive reactions.

"About 90 percent of the stories in there are real, although I've changed the names," Lasher said. "The people who I work with teach me. When I work with these children, I become the student. They teach me about grief. I've worked with children - I've companioned them. You don't fix them, you act as a companion to them. You walk with them."

Lasher notes that her book is specifically written from a Christian standpoint, for Christian readers.

"It deals with helping people of faith helping children grieve," Lasher said. "If a person is not a person of faith and doesn't believe in God, this may not be the book for them."

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