Ready, willing to be secretary of something

By Scott Hollifield
Published: November 15, 2008

As an objective journalist, I could not ethically lobby publicly for a high-level Cabinet position in the Obama administration.

That’s why I hired Cousin Junior, owner and operator of Cousin Junior’s Small Engine Repair, Discount Taxidermy and Certified Lobbying Services, to do it for me. I now turn this column over to him.

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Dear President-elect Obama,

This here is Cousin Junior, owner and operator of Cousin Junior’s Small Engine Repair, Discount Taxidermy and Certified Lobbying Services, where our motto is, “We’ll Fix It, Stuff It Or Buy ’Em Off To Keep You Feeding At The Public Trough.”

You might remember me from your rally over in Asheville. I was the one in the “Sarah Cuda” T-shirt, yelling, “Socialist!” and smacking hippies around until the police Tasered me.

I was pretty drunk, so I hope you’ll cut me some slack. Let’s let bygones be bygones, leave the rancor of the campaign behind and move toward a brighter tomorrow, a tomorrow where someone like me can land a government contract to service all the White House lawn equipment since my pending government contract to stuff the hundreds of moose and polar bears Sarah Palin would have shot over the next four years is now null and void.

To the matter at hand, sir. I believe my client, Scott Hollifield, would be a valuable addition to your Cabinet, despite the fact that he is currently a member of the leftist lying liberal drive-by news media I often rant about. I’ve known him my whole life, watching him grow from a snot-nosed young ’un to a snot-nosed man, a man who rose from humble beginnings to achieve something no one thought he could — a low-level management position in a dying medium.

May I suggest you consider my client for the following Cabinet positions:

n Secretary of State. I believe he would be perfect for gallivanting all over the world (as long as you keep the keys to the hotel minibar away from him), talking about loose nukes and whatnot with that fellow in France or that gal in Germany or that dude in Russia with the big mole on his head if he’s still in charge. My client was always bird-dogging the foreign-exchange students back in high school, so I believe he’s got a knack for international relations.

n Secretary of Treasury. There’s about $48 in change rattling around the floorboard of his truck, so he knows a little something about saving money. His economic stimulus plan, which in part involves federally mandated two-for-one table dances, is truly groundbreaking.

n Secretary of Defense. My client favors the 3-4 because the extra linebacker makes for more effective blitzes. You might also consider him for Secretary of Offense, since many of the e-mails and letters he gets begin with, “I was offended by your ridiculous column on ...”

n Secretary of Energy. We all know the Good Lord put dinosaurs here 10,000 years ago so we could eventually fill the tanks of our Peterbilts with sweet, sweet diesel fuel, but unfortunately, He put most of them where the foreigners live. That’s why my client, as Secretary of Energy, would favor a wide-ranging approach that includes solar, wind, nuclear, offshore drilling, off-creek-bank drilling, drilling anywhere you darn well please, hyperactive children running on electricity-producing treadmills, and huge piles of used tires set ablaze to generate heat.

In conclusion, Mr. President-elect, let me cut right to the chase. The boy is hanging on by the skin of his teeth and nervous as a chicken at a Sanders family reunion. When they turn out the lights at the last newspaper, he’s out of a job and out in the real world, where he’ll have to make a living somehow.

I figure about the only other place a fellow can succeed with no useful skills is smack-dab in the middle of Washington, D.C.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .