What is in a name

CHUCK BROWN / News Virginian
Published: June 23, 2007

We have all at one time heard the question "What's in a Name-"

When a child is born, the mother and father and sometimes other family members become involved in trying to come up with a name that follows the current popular trend. For example, whatever happened to Eddie- Where did he go-

Seems like he was just here. And, where's Billy- And Bobby and Jackie and John- Jimmy, Paul, Tom and Charlie- And Richie- Where did they all go-

Where did Cameron come from- And, Jordon and Justin and Shane and Parker- Tucker, Tyler, Taylor, Carter, Flynn, Blake and Cody- Who let these people in- Brett- Brent- Blair- Cassidy- Where are all these names coming from-

It seems that the popularity of names is perishable; they pass in and out of favor. Occasionally, newspapers will print the most popular names given to babies that year, and they're never the same as years before. You don't run into many little girls named Bertha or Edith. Nor are there a lot of Nellies, Effies, Opals, Hopes or Pearls floating around day care. And how many expectant parents are praying for a girl so they can name her Blanche, Clara, Agnes or Lottie- None. You know why- Because most of those women are in nursing homes.

But someday our nursing homes will be filled with women named Amber, Kayla, Tiffany, Caitlin, Morgan, Courtney, Brittany and Heather.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage and Grief- It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy."

I had an uncle who was embarrassed because he had a woman's name. We told him not to worry, lots of men have women's names: Leslie, Marion, Chris, Dale, Lonnie. We tried to reassure him. But old Uncle Margaret Mary ... I guess he couldn't handle it. I don't know why, it never bothered his wife, Turk.

Hurricanes have names instead of numbers. Do you know why- To keep the killing personal.

No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. "154 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore" is not nearly as interesting as a headline stating "Charlie Kills 154." Death becomes much more entertaining if you personalize it.

First names can even suggest how tough you are. Who would you want on your side in a bar fight- Arnold, Seymour, Jasper and Percy- Or Nitro, Hacksaw, Rhino and Skull-
And, single guys, which women would you rather run into when you're out drinking: Lillian, Priscilla and Judith- Or Trixie, Bubbles and Candy-

The point is, there are emotional values that attach to names. They carry psychological baggage. Just think of the Old West. If Billy the Kid's name had been Billy the Stoopnagle, people wouldn't have been afraid. Or would anyone have paid to see a Wild West show if the star attraction was Buffalo Shecky-
This belief also applies to the legendary criminals of the 1930s. Do you think the police would have spent a lot of time looking for Pretty Boy Hefflefleckker-

And, what about Jack the Ripper- If his name had been Wally, I don't think people would have been afraid to walk the streets of London. Not if they thought Wally the Ripper was on the loose.

"Who's that- Wally who- Wally the Ripper- Ha Ha Ha!" "That's a good one."

In ancient times, the rulers had magnificent names, like Alexander the Great. Suppose he had been a less imposing figure, do you think he would have been called Alexander the Marginal-

History has given us other impressive names: Edward the Fair, Charles the Bold, Catherine the Great. These days, they would be Edward the Abuse Victim, Charles the Underachiever and Catherine the Recovering Codependent. And, I'm sure history would not be the same if certain names had been slightly different. For example, World War II would have ended much more quickly if we had been fighting a guy named Skip Hitler.

Some people have funny names. They can't help it. Do you realize Howdy Doody's mother and father are known as the Doodys- And Bo Diddley's parents are the Diddleys- How would you like to be at a party and have to introduce the Doodys to the Diddleys- And keep a straight face- "Mr. and Mrs. Doody, I'd like you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Diddley." Come on!

Just to put a button in this topic; there used to be a planet named Pluto, but we didn't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name. Don't you think it qualifies-